Question One: I'm feeling a little unsocial in events I attend, but I am doing my best to approach people, any tips for moving on?
- Zafiro
Cooper's Answer:
Feeling unsocial or introverted at events happens to so many of us, and it sounds like you’re already taking some steps to connect. It's important to remember that we are all different - you are different than others, and the people you are trying to meet are different from one another. At the same time, we all usually have similarities that might take time to uncover. Relationships of any kind take time to grow! Here are a few tips that might make socializing feel a bit easier and even enjoyable:
1. Set Small, Manageable Goals
Instead of trying to meet a bunch of people, set small, achievable goals, like aiming for one or two meaningful conversations. This can help reduce any pressure and make the experience feel more natural. You could even start by approaching someone who’s also on the sidelines—they might appreciate the connection just as much as you do.
2. Find a Role or Activity to Focus On
Having a purpose beyond just mingling can ease the pressure. Look for activities or opportunities to volunteer at the event, even if it’s as simple as helping set up, clean up, or handing out materials. This can give you something to focus on and is a great way to naturally interact with others without feeling like you’re forcing small talk.
3. Use Curiosity as a Conversation Starter
When chatting, ask open-ended questions about the event, the person’s interests, or their thoughts on a topic. Showing curiosity in others not only takes the focus off you but also helps you learn about someone in a way that can naturally build rapport. Many people love talking about their own interests, which can create a flow to the conversation.
4. Take Regular Breaks to Recharge
Give yourself permission to step away and regroup when you need it. Find a quiet corner or take a quick walk outside. Sometimes a little break is all it takes to help reset, so you feel ready to jump back in for another interaction. I like to keep a little list of topics or questions in my phone that I can take a look at when I feel lost or like I don't know what to talk about. A break can help reset and regroup when you're new in a place. It's also ok to decide to leave when you're done.
5. Reward Yourself for Each Small Win
Celebrating small victories—like saying hi to one new person or having a meaningful conversation—can keep your motivation up. Each interaction is a step forward, and even if it’s challenging, acknowledging your effort can help build confidence for the next event. Sometimes attending an event is a great way to set expectations for the next one. Think of attending events in a series as a goal rather than putting all the pressure on one.
6. Find a Familiar Anchor
If you know even one person at the event, spend a few moments with them to get comfortable. Starting with someone familiar can ease you into the social flow. And if you don’t know anyone, sometimes chatting with a vendor, staff member, or other people standing alone can feel a bit less daunting. If you need to write stuff down about people to remember it, that's ok. Having some notes to follow-up with people the next time you see them can help. Not all of us are good at remembering things.
By setting realistic goals, taking breaks as needed, and finding ways to focus outwardly rather than inwardly, you can make social events feel more manageable and even enjoyable over time. Remember, there’s no need to rush; take it at your own pace!
Want to submit a question? Subscribe to my monthly newsletter by clicking START HERE in the menu to my website. You can submit your question in the next issue using the link you receive in my email reminders!
Question Two: What can I do if I am not physically attracted to someone I am dating but I do love them emotionally? - Anonymous
Cooper's Answer:
Navigating a relationship where you feel strong emotional love but not much physical attraction can be challenging. I think kink or pup play can be a helpful part of your life to explore the relationship in some new and less traditional ways. Here are some ways to take a fresh look at the balance between emotional love and physical attraction.
1. Reframe Attraction with an Emphasis on Connection
Attraction doesn’t have to start with looks alone. Reflect on what connects you to your partner—whether it’s their energy, humor, or the way they show up in scenes. As a pup, I know that attraction can also come from the unique power dynamics or playful roles I share with other people. By focusing on what qualities you’re drawn to, you might start seeing new sides of them that spark physical interest. Society tells us to pay attention to certain physical things, but people are very multifaceted and there might be things that light a spark for you if you just look from a different perspective!
2. Create Play Scenes to Explore New Sides of Each Other
Physical attraction can sometimes blossom through new experiences. Try setting up scenes that help you both engage in different roles, sensory play, or even switching up your usual dynamic. For instance, if you’re often in a submissive role, try a dominant role temporarily, or if you’re a pup, experiment with being a handler. Sometimes shifting roles reveals aspects of your partner you hadn’t fully appreciated, helping to build a sense of curiosity and closeness.
3. Use Non-Sexual Touch to Build Physical Intimacy Gradually
Physical intimacy doesn’t have to be sexual right away; even small touches can strengthen your connection. Holding hands during play, giving a shoulder rub, or cuddling with your gear on can create comfort and closeness. Touch can build over time and, with consistency, sometimes leads to physical attraction that feels organic. This can be especially helpful if you feel most connected through touch in the context of play or scenes. Sometimes, a partner's hygiene or physical attributes we don't like are changeable, and if we told them about how we feel they might make a change. At the same time, some aspects are not changeable or might be insulting. Be thoughtful and careful about what you ask for, but if it's something simple like showering, brushing their teeth, etc., then it might be as simple as asking for it!
4. Tap into Gear and Rituals to Deepen the Bond
Gear and rituals can make physical connection feel more immersive and meaningful. If certain items—like collars, hoods, or leashes—help you or your partner feel “in character,” lean into those cues. Establishing small rituals or routines, like putting on gear together or engaging in petting rituals, can create a sense of bonding and comfort. For many kinksters, gear becomes an extension of the relationship and adds a layer of physical closeness that feels exciting and affirming. Gear can also really flatter someone's body or attributes, so consider adding gear or changing it to spice things up!
5. Communicate Openly and Be Patient with the Process
Honest communication is essential here. Let your partner know you value them deeply and are exploring ways to increase physical closeness. Emphasize that you’re committed to the relationship and are open to exploring, which can create a safe space for both of you to connect. And remember, attraction isn’t something that has to happen overnight. By nurturing the love you already share and exploring intimacy in ways that feel true to you both, you give physical attraction the space to grow naturally. There's also ways to change the agreements in your relationship to let you both explore more with other people. Perhaps they would also be interested in something like that. We don't have to assume that everything has to come from one place and in the same way. Be creative!
6. Celebrate the Emotional Love You’ve Built
Emotional love is the heart of any strong relationship, and by focusing on what’s already working well, you may find that physical attraction follows in its own time. Embrace the connection you’ve built and let it guide you as you continue exploring what feels right for you both. Relationships are unique journeys, and sometimes, taking the pressure off attraction is exactly what allows it to develop. And, at times relationships and the people in the them change, which can mean that the nature of the relationship itself changes too. It's hard to end or shift the dynamics of a relationship, but sometimes that is what has to happen. We aren't doing anyone any favors staying where we don't want to be or subjecting someone else to something they don't want. If it's run its course, communicate that with care and support, while also respecting the other person's point of view.
Relationships where emotional and physical attraction aren’t equally balanced can still thrive, especially when there’s a strong emotional bond. By creating play that builds intimacy, using gear and touch to add comfort, and giving yourself permission to explore in a way that’s authentic, you’ll have the chance to deepen your connection over time. Remember, taking things at your own pace—one play session, touch, or conversation at a time—can help you both feel closer and happier together.
Want to submit a question? Subscribe to my monthly newsletter by clicking START HERE in the menu to my website. You can submit your question in the next issue using the link you receive in my email reminders!
Comments